two months later im back here again and as usual a lot of things has changed. its dumb. life goes around in circles and we are always screwing ourselves from behind. we dont know it till we feel the prick and ouch'.. we are screwing ourself from behind...

and it is extremely rare that im back home again.. after what seems like a couple of years. ive gone around the world and lived like a vagrant. but i havent been home since i could remember and that has really been a long long time. look.. look how age and toil and tears has been getting up on me and im talking around in circles like what life is supposed to be. im just screwing myself from behind time and time again..

on a particular morning i woke up in school and my toes were freezing. i thought that some mice had bit them off like bits of cheese. and i was lying on the table of a particular classroom in victoria junior college. and there in this magnificent instance, in that millisecond of an epoch, i was not thinking of anything. and there i was wondering what i was doing in the classroom. and i was not lethargic as i usually am. and i walked out of the classroom and i could feel the east coast breeze.. cool and soothing it was and at that instance, another millisecond of another epoch, i was feeling relaxed and happy and nothingness. but that millisecond lasted quite a short while, but not quite an unforgettable one, and it dawned upon me that we are borned to be mugging. and there we were mugging once again. and all life was sucked right out of me like a dementor's breath. like a feeling that one could not be happy again..

so i realize that we are actually screwin ourselves from behind again cuz we think that we should study so hard because it has great private social cost (which doesnt really have a meaning, but my idea is that it has great benefits for us in the future and we are ignorant of it) and the benefits of mugging has a great and long gestation period ( probably longer than what some people may gain benefits from in their lives).. but here we are again.. we all mugging. we are all muggers. we are all dead in the short run

but in the long run we are quite happy. because the clock is ticking like a gigantic machinery and it says that there is just 39 more days before we reach the long run. and that long run is a bountiful land of grapes and fruits, fair maidens, wine and all niceties. but we must work hard on the land we are on now. we are labourer ... and when the long run comes, we will evaporate from our meaningless bodies and float into our dreams. in the long run.. we are going overseas, we have a prom night, we are going to meet some nice girls, we are going to have fun. we are going to the army for 7 weeks only.

but seriously, we come back to reality again and find that we are just screwing ourselves more by thinking like that . and goodbye

posted by iambrianfu [ 10:07 PM ] |

hi everyone.. wonder how everyone starts bitching that they did poorly for prelims. guess what? I fAilEd prelims.. haha
F A I L E D

so what is the meaning of failure ? is it because i failed to lift up the pen to write an answer? or did i just failed to turn up for the paper? nono.. not either. i failed in the sense that i have failed to live up to people's expectations. and what are this expectations about? its the way people look at you.. everyone one has an expectation of everything in life. seriously. you even have an expectation of your dog! why? you expect that when you come home, that bloody bitch is going to come runinng towards you.. what happens when you come home one day and you find that your dog is under your bed with a dick stuck up its fanny? wow! your expectations change. that bitch is not what you have perceived it to be. then instantaneously.. your expectations have changed.

so in that sense. i have failed. but i have never failed myself. how could i fail myself when I hadnt an expectation at all in the first place. hrm.. what kinda expectation could i have? I myself havent really got an idea. im like a big bozoo got no aim in life. Hrm.. maybe i could get a 4As in prelims but couldnt get the idea to materialize. just maybe. but maybe is just not enough..
theres got to be trust, enthusiasm and perseverence all mixed up.. that's a no-short-cut route to any success. well, if success is just getting good grades then i couldnt see much more in life to live for. what is success to me and you? my success is just like getting out of this god damned singapore to live my own life. that's my success. my success is like earning all the loads of money and stuffing it some candy ass. yes.. thats my success. and what could success be to some other? like getting your dick stuck up someone's fanny? does that define your success?? hell... i wouldnt know.

in conclusion, there is no success or failure in life because we dont know what is success or failure. maybe success is failure after all. or failure is success. like ive been Successfully tricked into taking a gp mock paper just now. that is the success on the part of the teachers who have chosen to take a command-style approach to make us do some gp papers. well.. is that a failure to me given that i hadnt seen through it? probably.

so what have i failed in actual? i have failed my gp in prelims.

posted by iambrianfu [ 6:07 PM ] |